A scan of a page form my noteboook of a short play that I did whilst in college.

given my urges
investigating my own words
lost in thoughts
too evil to explain
open to attack
but never to reply
given my urges
experimenting with combination
a moving darkness
a reflection of my soul
disturbed
broken
given my urges
excuses of apathy and pain
heart of stone
cracked and broken
crumbling to dust
my thoughts in written word
given my urges
you cannot excuse compulsion
this is what I am
this is what I think
it cannot be fixed
given my urges
brings a tear to my eye
I’m to blame
given my urges
what would I be without my pain.

23/2/98

Disappointment crosses my mind
I should be sad, but I am not
stunned, caught from a blindspot.
an unbelievable finality.
someone I thought happy and together
how could it be like this.
the pain stops for one,
but increases for everyone else.
not an expected end.
no excuses
no going back
disappointment comes again
it messes with my mind
another friend gone away
another wreath to lay
disappointment in myself
disappointment with the dead
the final solution was his last performance
someone better than me, smarter than me
is now only just dead before me.
(no tears for the selfish)

13/11/97

I search for you in covered entryways
because thats the last place you’d be
random encounters
chance for possibility
I am unique
as are you
our thoughts are like shadows
fleeting and hardly noticed
I miss you
we haven’t even met yet
but I know you already
you are the good
you are the conscience
to counter my evil and apathy
I seek you in strange places
under my bed at three a.m.
in the bushes at the cinema
I know I wont find you
you wont find me
but I look anyway
you are my happiness
you’ll try and fix my darkness
but light is obscured by my vortex
it is hard to describe
feeling like half of you is missing
I miss you
we have never met
classic yin and yang
forever chasing one another
neither will catch the other
separate loves, mine scarred, yours pristine
my logic tainted by chaos
a belief in anarchy explains why,
I search for you in covered entryways
my heart of stone
needs the warmth of your touch
I know we’ll never meet
but I still search for you
I search for you in covered entryways,
because thats the last place you’d be.

23/2/98

I saw you watching me.
what is it you’re thinking.
sometimes I wish
that you could talk to me
unfortunately you cant.
to me, you are nothing.
Nothing, but a coloured shadow.
Am I the Master
or am I just the clone
my imperfections are yours.
yours are as mine.
what is it you think
what is it you’re thinking
when the lights are out
IF I am happy, are you?
WHEN I am sad, are you?
we can never touch
how do you feel
what is it you’re thinking
what do you see
in the depths of my soul
you are only my reflection
or am I only yours?

1/12/96