got a broken heart? – beer will fix it!
upset over not having a job? – beer will fix it!
sober? – beer will fix it!
upset that you are an alcoholic? – beer will fix it!
you don’t have any water for your bath? – beer will fix it!
yep, beer will fix it!
“He is an idiot, an abject poltroon, who would put him in charge of a ship? Only a turnip. He is Rimmer, that is his crime, and it is also, his punishment.” Kryten.
Things in Australia that Will Kill You
Everything. No, seriously: Everything.
First there’s the wildlife: If something appears to be cute and harmless in Australia, then we promise you – it has only evolved that way to lure you close enough for the thousands of ravenous, prehensile blade-tongues to descended upon you.
Then there’s the Geography: Consisting mostly of arid, dry desert, (populated by over 100 venomous species of snake,) the harsh local climate is peppered with small, livable areas presumably just to lull human beings into a false sense of security.
Ah, but the tropical beaches, you say! Surely the paradise on Earth that is the Australian beach makes up for an entire continent of biological weapons. And it’s true: Australia is known for having some of the best beaches in the world…all you have to worry about are the Saltwater Crocs, Great White Sharks, poisonous Stonefish, or being stung by the Box Jellyfish: the deadliest and most painful sting in the world
Your best bet is just to stay in the city then, right? Enjoy the local culture; go visit the capital of Canberra, or visit beautiful Sydney and see the wonder of the Opera house. And that’s totally safe: Just remember to wear protective clothing, stay in well travelled areas, always know the nearest path to a hospital, and just generally try not to exist – because Australia is also home to over 280 species of poisonous spider, including that aforementioned Sydney Funnel Web Spider. What, did you think it was just a name? No, it lives in cities, in garages, in tool sheds and houses – it even swims. IT FUCKING SWIMS.
Seriously: Everything in Australia evolved solely to kill everything else in Australia – and you show up with your soft, unarmored skin, tiny, rounded teeth, and ridiculously non-poisonous spit and expect a vacation?
You just walked into Mother Nature’s Thunderdome, friend. And in this analogy, you’re not Max; you’re the dead retard.
Things in Australia that Will Not Kill You
….
Hugh Jackman seems nice.
Freak, sicko, gloomer, thumper….
Fabio needs not these petty titles.
For he is the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end.
And he does it all with his long hair billowing in the breeze and his shirt unbuttoned down to here…
Whilst saying these things to you.
Rule 1.
Kill it.
Rule 2.
If in doubt kill it.
Rule 3.
Just to be sure, kill it again
Rule 4.
See rules 1 through 3 and repeat until it is dead.
Rule 5.
If its dead, cremate it straight away. You don’t want the undead coming back and be made to kill it again.
Rule 6.
If you killed it, all its stuff is yours.
Rule 7.
Kill em before they try and kill you. (NPC and PC alike)